dear mother, i’m sorry

dear mother,

i’m sorry. sorry for taking up space. sorry for breathing. sorry for being loud or overbearing or rude or brash. sorry i’m stupid and fat and not very polite. sorry i’m not good. enough. too much. just sorry.

how sad is that? seriously, how fucking sad is that?

today we continued our seemingly endless task of going through files and papers. three legal sized cardboard boxes, jammed with papers from the past. every thank you card ever received. christmas letters from 20 years ago. funeral programs from her sister and her parents and friends. tiny photos from 80 years ago ~ her sister holding her in the backyard. a faded picture of the house where she was born. wedding announcements. baby announcements. letters from boot-camp. address lists. medical records. taxi vouchers.  church bulletins.       33 cent stamps. knitting patterns. mother’s day cards. accomplishments. gratitudes. awards. her baby book.

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and tucked into the baby book was a little handmade book. inside were drawn pictures of “work”, “play” and “rest.”

the cover of the book is the story.

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it is poignant and heart-rending as a reflection of what was.

positive and hopeful as it reveals the way of transformation and growth.

much of my life has been lived apologetically small. through pain and sorrow, through grief and life and death, through the years, something shifted.

i held on and refused to let go. and i have a new letter to write.

dear mother,

i know my truth.

i am courageous.

i am wise.

i am stronger than strong.

i belong.

i am free.

i am me.

love,

anne

p.s. i love you

24 thoughts on “dear mother, i’m sorry

  1. Thank you for having the courage to give voice to such a painful situation. I’ve also faced this same situation with the same feelings: I didn’t give voice to mine. You are an inspiration.

  2. This is so poignant and beautifully honest. This took some courage to put out there, I bet. I understand those feelings. Your new letter to your mom shows how far you’ve come. Wonderful!

    1. tapping into that courage gave me the courage. now i open myself up to receive the support and understanding of others. thanks virginia!

  3. This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing this. It really touched me and it’s given me the impetus to hit publish on a post I’ve been sitting on this week. How wonderful that you can write this new letter. I hope you write it out and keep it somewhere that you look at during wobbly moments – we all have those right? – to remind yourself of it’s truth. Of your truth x

  4. Wow Anne, this is just so powerful. I love the way you led us, invited us in and how it built. I’m blown away. Loved it. xox Thank you xox

  5. So incredibly powerful. And very inspiring, both in the message of your new letter and your choice to give voice to an experience that is so often left unspoken. Thank you.

  6. Your words have touched me so deeply, can’t express how I feel. I need to write a letter to my father like this, but I don’t think that I am as brave as you are.

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